Escape

Some days you have a deep feeling that you’re stuck and trying to break out somehow.

There’s a song in the back of your head that sends thrills through your body and into your heart, telling you to stop whatever you’re doing and take flight.

Those same days you wish you had called in sick, but simultaneously you’re not too sure what you would be doing if you indeed had the day free, simply because there’s too much to do, too much to see, too much to live. There’s too much beauty and just the thought of it makes you want to cry, rip your clothes off and set your soul free.

“(Do I wanna know?)

If this feeling flows both ways”

Childhood

Everything is there.

At least this is what I and other psychologists believe.

It is difficult not to get it wrong… the parenting.

It is very easy to mishandle though.

Little things parents do add up inside the empty little human being’s head, who is growing up to be a person full of the abuse it has suffered.

A simple slap. Maybe a punch. Shouting. Abusing. Neglecting.

When you do just a little bit of everything that is written above, you are creating someone who will be emotionally disturbed.

When you do a lot of everything that is written above, you most likely created a psychopath.

The Pill

When I accepted I had depression, one of my first worries was taking medication.

At the time, what I knew about medication for mental illness was very restricted.

I thought all these medicines were extremely aggressive and would cause me all sorts of collateral effects. On top of that, there was the risk of addiction.

Well, I did the same as what many patients do nowadays: I googled it. And most important, I learnt my fluoxetine from my sertraline.

Mental illness medication today has improved a lot. There are many options, specially for depression.

I took 1 fluoxetine pill per day for three years.

It is also known by the trade name of Prozac and I believe it was the right choice for my kind of depression. Still there are other options, stronger ones.

What I think it’s important to understand is that if you feel that certain pill is not right for you, if it’s causing you too much discomfort and or not helping at all, you NEED to let your doctor know, you both need to discuss and maybe try other options, until you find the right one. The right medication is the first step to get your life back.

Although my doctor told me it would take a few weeks to kick in, I started feeling better straight away.

The first two weeks I was still spending most of the time lying on the sofa, watching movies. But I was feeling good about it! I wasn’t crying and I wasn’t sleeping halfway the movie. I was watching it and enjoying it.

That small but enjoyable feeling was the spark that brought me back to life.

Emergency contacts

11 May 2011 – nearly two years and six months since my nervous breakdown and I have finally decided to throw away my emergency contacts card.

Emergency contacts card: a short-term strategy to ensure the patient’s safety, part of the Crisis Plan. It must be kept visible for patients, family members or carers.

My card was on the cork board in my living room, directly across the front door.

It contained the Mental Health Liaison Team 24hour Service phone number, the NHS Direct Helpline, The Samaritans phone number and address, and the Saneline that offers support not only for patients but also to families and carers.

At first, I was worried with what anyone visiting my home would think when seeing the card. Still I decided not to hide it.

I never spoke openly to acquaintances about my depression but I felt that I shouldn’t try to disguise my life from anyone who would be invited to come into my home.

There have been friends, friends of friends, work colleagues, (ex)husband’s work colleagues but the card was always kept on the cork board.

Why now?

Because I have been through a lot these past months and I recognise that what didn’t kill me, made me stronger. That’s how I feel now.

I’m not saying I feel invincible! Far from that.

I can only say I feel confident to carry on alone, without a husband and without emergency contacts. Just me and the dog.

What was there in the start is there in the end

Time was when there was insecurity, angst and the fear I would never know the inside of love.

Once my friend wrote in my diary that I was born to love and she was born to live alone.

Needless to say she had had an insight, but messed things a bit. All in all, she was in and out of love constantly and her relationship troubles were a big part of our teenage babble.

On the other hand, there was me. Never been kissed. Crying in the night and crying in the morning for just one chance to taste just a little bit of all her troubles.

Now I am grown and I see I was anxious and it was only a matter of time.

I have been in love more than once and more than once I thought it would be forever.

However, last time it lasted quite some time and now that it’s finished, even though I know I am able to love again, I can’t help but fear all the insecurity, angst and loneliness again.

Listening to: These Days – Bon Jovi

Moving on

He cheated. He lied. I found out. I forgave. He cheated. He lied. I found out. He is angry.

He’s angry? Yes, he is angry. I don’t understand and I don’t why.

The only thing I know is that now I really need to learn how not to care anymore, how to stop bothering about not knowing why, because he is not here anymore, because I am taking a step forward and he will become part of my past.

I will keep in mind it was not my fault and I did everything I could to make it work.

He is not my responsibility anymore (he is someone’s else).

He’s not coming home to me

 

I sent you out to play last night
The alarms went off at three.
Funny how I know nothing now
Loneliness the guarantee.

I sent you out to play last night
The alarms went off at three.
Funny how I’m not loving now
He’s not coming home to me.

I sent you out to play last night
The alarms went off at three.
Funny how I know nothing now
He’s not coming home to me.

Try to get out of the lease
And move out of love.
If only there was only no consequence
I’d watch it all turn to dust.

Hey can I go with you, my beauty number 2?
Hey can I go with you, when the rendezvous’ over?

The End

No, I’m not talking about suicide. It’s the end of my relationship.

We spent 4 years together. Unfortunately 2 of these suffering with my depression and all its linked ailments.

He was brave. He lasted long. Most people would have given up on the first months.

He was an ass****. (I’m allowed to be angry and it’s not all my depression’s fault)

How am I doing?

I’m sad, but I’m not depressed. Though, it’s very recent to analyze anything, so far, I think I’m doing fine.

Yeah, there are thoughts of ending everything, many… many negative thoughts. But I’m still in control, this is what matters most in this case.

If I would harm someone, right now I would harm the bitch he’s with at the moment. It might sound really awful, but for someone who has suffered depression, this is a very positive thing!

Depression and Work

I had a dream:

I applied for a job, I filled an application form and on my statement of health I wrote I have depression and I have to take daily medication.

In spite of that, I was called for an interview and the employer did not use my mental illness against me. As a matter of fact, he was comprehensible and compassionate about my situation and believed that, by looking at my CV, I was perfectly able to deliver above standard results in the position I had applied for.

I got the job.

Then I woke up.

The conclusion is that law requires you to be honest when filling application forms and statements of health. However, if you are honest, society will make sure not to give you a chance.

Depression in women

Fortunately I don’t have friends who suffer from depression (at least not that I’m aware of and I know most people, like me, prefer to keep it secret).

Therefore I don’t know if the feelings I experience before I get my period are normal.All I know is that since I’ve had my first depression breakdown, since I started on fluoxetine, my PMS is worst than ever before.

I’ve always had PMS blues, but what I feel now really brings me down.

How do I keep on going? I keep telling myself it’s that time of the month again and this is not the usual me. I avoid drinking alcohol and drink much more water than usual as I have this feeling that it ‘dissolves’ my high hormone levels.

I also drink camomile tea instead of black tea (except in the morning when I need my caffeine).

For me, it’s important to control the blues so they don’t go any day further than they should go.